Thursday, March 22, 2012

Thank you, Book of Mormon.

Yesterday was just one of those days. It's like one thing goes wrong, and I'm in a negative mental spiral downward. Thoughts that cause me to victimize myself.

I felt sad because of my own short comings. Then angry because of others' actions toward me. Then sorrow because of loneliness. And on, and on, and on, until I felt hopeless. Hopeless that I will never reach my goals, that I will never be happy, that I have failed; in a gamut of aspects. That things will never change, that people, including myself, will never change. I know, what would my life be like without drama? I'll admit it, I'm a drama queen.

The best thing to do in a time like this is to pray, so I did. This scripture came to my mind: "If ye have no hope ye must needs be in despair; and despair cometh because of iniquity." -Moroni 10:22  That scripture is so profound to me! When we are feeling sorry for ourselves because of trials and afflictions, instead of wallowing in the depths of despair, we should actually humble ourselves even more and repent. We know we are truly humbled when we "arouse the faculties of [our] souls; shake [ourselves] that [we] may awake from the slumber of death; and loose [ourselves] from the pains of hell..." -Jacob 3:11

And this scripture was so powerful to me as well. If a prophet feels this way, how much more should I humble myself?
    "...For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them... 
   Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have 
   seen and heard.  
   Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart  
   exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine 
   I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to  
   rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 
   My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
....He hath filled me with his love even unto the consuming of my flesh....Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
...O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? 
And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? 
...Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. 
...Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul...Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.  
Rejoice, O my heart and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
...Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? 
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! 
O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
...I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh."


Kaylee said...

Thanks for that. This whole having-three-toddlers thing has been SOOO hard for me and really has knocked me down. It is nice to know that I am not the only one having feelings of self-doubt and loneliness. I am only a phone call away, BTW, if you ever need to talk. Esp since I know exactly what it's like to move far from family. I love you, Sarah, and miss you more than you know.

Tigersue said...

Sometimes we as women really tend to put ourselves down. Granted sin can lead to all kinds of emotional and mental trials, but sometimes it is just because we are women. We have hormones that go crazy, we get tired, we are not meant to be perfect. It can't happen in this life.

What we can do is go on. I know where most of my self doubt comes from and there is only one individual that wants us to feel inadequate, not worthy and incapable. Do you know why? Because he is insanely jealous of who we are, and the blessings we have. We have incredible bodies, that have the potential to bring life into the world.

We have so much capacity, and things that we can do and experience and he will never have that. Neither will those that followed him and they will do everything in their power to make us hate who and what we are because of such a marvelous gift.

I'm grateful we can fall to our knees and ask for help, not just forgiveness of sin, but help to overcome those horrible thoughts from the adversary.

So people would like to blame the church for creating an environment where we have to "be perfect". Frankly I'm not sure it is any different for anyone else. We just may feel it more keenly because we know so much. At least that is my opinion.

Thankfully, hormones settle down, life goes back to normal (if there is one), and tomorrow is a new day.
I always loved Anne Shirely's quote, Tomorrow is always a fresh day with no mistakes. How right she is.

Hang in there, you are human, and a human female on top of that. You are not the first or the last to feel the way you do. May that give you hope as you look around you. I know it does me.

Cindy/Mom/Gramma said...

Oh Sarah! Bless your heart. You have made so many changes in the last couple of months. I don't think I could have done what you have done. So, don't be so hard on yourself. Like we said tonight, just give yourself a pat on the back for all those little accomplishments. It is hard to be a homemaker, but it is the best thing you can ever do for your children and husband. I'm am so grateful that you have a firm foundation in the Gospel. Your parents did that for you. They prepared you to lead them as you lead many others. You are a strong woman. You really are too hard on yourself like most women are. I'm glad you do little things for yourself like exercising and reading and going to the DC temple this week. I'm sorry to tell you that there will be more days that are discouraging, but you have all the tools and talents to get through it so keep on keeping on. Count your blessings everyday. I love you!

Shalese and Cody said...

Love it! thanks for that scripture, very powerful! you are a wonderful person, I know that for sure! I miss your whole family! I'm very lucky to see Allison a bit more often. Such a beautiful family sarah! Love you!